“I’m not enough unless you come, will you meet me here again, all I want is all you are, will you meet me here again”

These lyrics play softly in the back ground as I lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. My phone dings, a message from my aunt. I hesitate and open it, she’s sent me a beautiful birthday message but ended it telling me she’ll phone me this afternoon. My anxiety peaks… that means he will be there to talk to me as well. My aunts husband. My uncle. Him. The one I’m so afraid of. My mind races with rapid thoughts.. what if he speaks to me, what if I freeze, what if I cry, what if I can’t do this, will his son phone me too? I haven’t spoken to him, or of him really, in so so long. I’m frightened. The thought of even hearing his voice scares me. There’s too much history there. He’s hurt me in more ways than one, an he’s visited me in my nightmares. I ponder what I’ll do, come this afternoon.

Forgiveness. We spoke on this topic at bible study on Wednesday night. Such a difficult topic when I’ve been hurt. I have yet to forgive M for all she’s done, and of course my uncle and his son. One of the girls in my study made the point that were all as worthy of forgiveness as the other, God sees all our sin the same. Not one of us is better than the other. John 3.16, most likely one of the most known verses in the bible, paints a clear picture.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whomever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life”

Such great love. God loves us so deeply that He gave His is Jesus, Jesus loves us so greatly that He gave His life for us. So that you and I, everyone, the most undeserving sinners are able to receive forgiveness and the opportunity to have eternal life. This is so impactful.

Here I am worried about a phone call and unable to forgive. All the while, I’ve been forgiven.. hypocritical. As hard as it is for me to let go of the past, I realise I need to forgive and let go. But I can’t do it alone. All I want, all I need is Jesus.

Those lyrics; “I’m not enough, unless you come, will you meet me here again, all I want is all you are, will you meet me here again”. I can’t overcome, I can’t forgive without the strength of Christ. In places of trial and heart break, that’s where He meets me. I pray that my Heavenly Father will meet me here, that through Him I’ll be able to forgive and let go, that I may be healed. Amen.

– c x