I turn nineteen tomorrow. I’ve spent my whole life wishing. In school I was wishing I was prettier, or more popular. Constantly wishing for friends or a place where I’d ‘fit in’. Wishing to be skinnier or wishing to be anyone other than myself. Lately I’ve found myself wishing I was older.

School was never my forte. I moved to Australia when I was 8 years old which would have been around year 3. The move was, and to this day remains, one of the most painful experiences life’s thrown my way. I lost a lot in this particular move. I lost my friends, my family, my comfortability and familiarity. I lost my happiness. From year 3 onward, school was hard. I remember crying on the bench at lunch time because the boys were teasing me and the girls wanted nothing to do with me. I remember crying in the car on the drives home because I’d had another awful day. If I’m honest, there’s not many school related memories that I can look back to and smile upon.

Wishing for friends. I’ve been doing this since I was 9 years old. I haven’t managed to discover what it is that prevents me from developing strong friendships in Australia. Was it the cultural difference? Or perhaps the fact that I live in a small town? Have my expectations been too high? Or have I not yet let go of my friendships in New Zealand? Over the last 11 years that I’ve been in Australia, I can count 8 distinctive friends I had in school. Today I remain friends with 1 of them. Since leaving school mid year 11, this was around 3 years ago; I have made a few more friends, though they’ve mostly been colleagues. A total of 5 stand out to me, 2 of which I remain friends with today. My current friend count is 5; E, JW, JE, B and C. Though E has moved up North, tomorrow C moves over East and in a few months JW moves to a town about 3 hours away. That’s about as vast as my friendships span so far. There of course of other people whom I’d refer to as friends, however not quite in the same way and many of whom are colleagues. Oh how I long for a friendship and someone to pursue God alongside. A place to belong, to fit in and to call home.

Wishing to be skinner. An emotional topic. In New Zealand I used to do cheer, gymnastics and netball. Though looking at me today, you’d never guess it. The move to Australia, the state of unsettlement and the social dynamics caused me to develop an unsteady relationship with food. For a few years I over ate to compensate for the loss and sadness I struggled to deal with. I put on a lot of weight. I then hit 15 and developed a cycle of binging and purging. I hated my body and wanted to destroy it. For a few years I struggled with this, finger in throat after each meal. Side effects included depression and anxiety. Self harm at the root of this. I’d never admit to these things aloud, it’s just not spoken of. A taboo subject, if you will. The girls in school, the girls on Instagram, the girls in the shops, the girls at work, every girl, always prettier and skinnier than I. I like to think that as I lay in bed writing this post, I’m happy with myself and I’m in a better place mentally. However suppressed down, these feelings and behaviours continue to manifest themselves, slowly seeping to the surface.

Wishing I was older. When I was 3, I wanted to be 5. When I was 5, I wanted to be 13. When I was 13, I wanted to be 17 and when I was 17, I wanted to be 18. Tomorrow I’m 19 and I wish I was skipping to the end of my 20s. I’m indecisive as to whether my wishes to be older has stemmed from always having older friends, or simply wanting to fast forward my life rather than live it 24/7. A few of my dearest friends are in their early 30s and I feel so disconnected from them, as if there’s a barrier. I struggle with feeling like a burden or wondering if they see me as a child. I admit I often find myself wishing I was a little bit older.

I’ve spent nineteen years wishing for an unrealistic reality instead of embracing my reality. I’m nineteen tomorrow and I already hold a bucket full of regrets. I regret falling in love with the wrong boys, I regret not choosing friends more wisely, I regret having to move to Australia, I regret not taking care of myself when I was depressed and I feel as if I’ve begun to repeat these mistakes, I regret the heartache I’ve caused my family, I regret not taking advantage of opportunities thrown my way and I regret not loving myself sooner.

Falling in love can be a touch and go type of thing. You see, T and I were inseparable for a few years and I slowly fell in love with him. Then B came along and him and I hit it off immediately. He became my world. For years he was it for me, dates to the movies, picnics on the beach, watching rugby on the weekends. You name it. Until R came along and whisked him away in a cruel way. It’s been two or so years and I’m still so young, I’m no longer in a rush to fall in love. Six people I went to school with are not married and two of whom have had their first children over the past two weeks, we’re all nineteen and twenty. I sometimes envy them, yet I know that I’m happy being single and having time to work on myself. However I won’t deny that it would be wonderful to have a man whom I could share with, confide in and feel safe within his embrace. One day.

Friendships have to be one of the most complex concepts I haven’t managed to succeed with. I’ve been hurt so deeply, I’ve actually begun to give up.

I admit to regretting the move to Australia, I’ve always wondered if I’d have been happier in New Zealand. I’m sure I would have, yet in saying so, if I hadn’t moved to Australia my life wouldn’t be the same.

I regret not making the most of opportunities that have passed me by. In particularly family time. My families endured a lot of loss over these past few years, naturally with loss comes reflections. Upon reflection I’ve come to realise that my selfishness as a young teen caused me to miss out on opportunities to build relationships and create memories with my family. For example when I was 15 my grandma surprised me with a girls trip back to New Zealand with her to visit family and to bond. Looking back, this was the experience of a life time but I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t treat it as such. I was depressed, yes, but despite that I had no excuse for being selfish with my time. Instead of sitting in the living room with my family, I sat outside on the deck drawing and overthinking. Argh it actually frustrates me to think of it because if I had the same opportunity today I would do things oh so differently because I have realised the value of family, I’ve realised how quickly lives can be taken away. I regret not phoning my Oupa more often, he passed away last year and it broke us as a family. Granted, he lived over seas so a relationship like any other wasn’t achieveable but what was stopping me from picking up the phone and dialling his number? I was young and didn’t see the value, I couldn’t see past how slow he spoke and how he struggled to hear me which meant I was constantly repeating myself. To even write this makes me feel ill, I was his world and he wanted nothing more than to have a relationship with me but my selfishness prevented that relationship from ever fully taking root. Shortly before he passed away, he sent me the most heart felt message along with Psalm 91. Needless to say, I miss him dearly and would do anything to tell him I loved him. There’s more regrets related to making the most of opportunities but these two are my greatest regrets to date. I am blessed to say that in this realisation, over the last year I have really put in more effort and I can see the difference it’s made. I am so much more aware of the blessings around me, striving to take nothing for granted anymore.

Self care. I still haven’t quite grasped this. I think that has a large part to do with my current mental state though. I lately have felt an immense heaviness, as if I’ve regressed back into a depression. I don’t eat, maybe one every 24 hrs I’ll have a small dinner but I wouldn’t count on it because I purge it back up moments after consumption. I don’t sleep, heaven knows I try though but my thoughts keep me up. Five days ago my largest regression took place on the bathroom floor in tears. I’d break if my mom found out, she’d break. I regret the pain I saw behind her eyes when I was sixteen, I never want to relive that or hear the cracks in my fathers voice as he told me he loves me. That shattered me. I don’t think we’re strong enough to withstand another round, yet I at times feel so desperate to run to mum for comfort because this time around feels so much deeper than last.

So many things I’d change if I could go back yet I have my entire life ahead of me, I’m still so young. I can’t help but wonder if I’m being naive and if the scope I’m looking through is narrowed. Perhaps I’m over thinking things, I am often prone to doing that.

I went to visit a dear friend today and she made a comment stating, “You have great joy ahead of you yet”. The more I dwell on this thought, the more I understand what she meant. I literally have my whole life ahead of me. Part of that thrills me with excitement, and a lot of it frightens me. Will the years ahead be filled with depression as well? There’s so much uncertainty ahead, what if I ruin it? Wait, no. I’m not going down this spiral of thoughts again. I know that God has a plan for me, He knows my story from beginning to end and I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. This is where He meets me.

Here’s to yet another rotation around the sun. As I head into this new chapter, I pray that the Holy Spirit will continue to dwell within me, that I will hear and listen to the still small voice. I pray that my Heavenly Father will continue to manifest His love within me and that each day I will wake, afresh with a desire to pursue Jesus in each moment. I pray that my natural instinct will be to stop and pray throughout the day, at each step. I pray that I will encompass the same wisdom that King Solomon had and that I will discern between right and wrong. I pray that I will forever trust in Jesus, trust in Gods plan for my life and that I will find solace in Him. Amen.

– c x