fearfully and wonderfully made .

‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ – the title of my latest and final journal.

On Sunday the 31st of January I started what I believe to be my final journal for this season in my life, though in saying that, I can’t be sure that I won’t continue writing or that the season will end when the journal does. Yet nonetheless, would you believe me if I told you that I started my latest journal before completely ending my previous one? You’d be right to assume that my OCD did not handle it well.. even though my previous journal only had 4 or 5 pages left, but if there was ever a reason to break my rules, it’s this. The news that I’m here to share is reason enough to break my rules because it’s already broken chains and whether or not you go on to perceive it as life changing, your perception won’t change the fact that it’s changed my life; changed my heart. And frankly, what better title than ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’? I’ll tell you now, if I had a penny for every time I have heard this truth, even simply over the last year alone, I’d have enough pennies to buy an island. Okay.. maybe a bit of an over exaggeration but you get the picture; I’ve heard it a lot. T for one, has reminded me that I’ve been fearfully and wonderfully made countless of times – in fact out of almost everything she’s told me, this has stood out the most. But I’m learning that hearing it, knowing it and believing it are all seperate entities. I’ve heard it said before that if you’re told something over and over again, that that something can often lose its value – dare I say, that’s not the case here. Though I’ll admit I lost sight of what it means to be fearfully and wonderfully made, or perhaps I never had insight to begin with. However over these last few days, my eyes have been opened to the depth and weight that this very truth carries.

It would be superficial for me to continue delivering my exciting and life changing news without first pausing to acknowledge that all that I’m about to share, vulnerably and ever so truely comes from my heart. So in saying that, it would be fair to also share a warning that my heart often goes ‘blah’ – as T so honestly stated last week but I also think she was right when she said she’d prefer that I speak from my heart because honestly, that’s where the raw and authentic stuff is.. right? I suppose the foreword that I’m trying to lay forth, is that because what I’m about to share comes from the heart and because I’ll also be the first to admit that my ‘starved brain’ is somewhat still starved, the things I write stand a good chance of coming out in a somewhat inarticulate form. Here I ask only for your patience and grace.

So without further a-due, I just want to put it out there that the overarching message I want to share is that.. GOD IS GOOD.. Do you hear me? GOD. IS. GOOD! Full stop. Period. The End. He is good! *feel free to insert a little girls squeal here and a whole lot of ecstatic tears*.

I feel that almost similarly to ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’, the statement that ‘God is good’, is also so often thrown around that I think we can sometimes lose sight of its weight. However, I stand here today and can in full honesty tell you that the depth and weight of that statement is deeper and heavier than any of us can ever dare to fathom. This is coming from someone who walked away and gave up on God entirely, who couldn’t pray or open His word for the longest of time, who cried angrily at the mention of His name and who dare I say resented Him for not being there when He was most needed.. Coming from me, I can truely vouch for His goodness and the sound truth that He as always there.. Ahh I’m feeling all the warm fuzzy feelings as I write this… but in all seriousness, if there’s anything that you take away today then let it be the knowledge that God is truely truly good!

Back in October I returned my heart to God, it wasn’t a decision I took lightly and as much as I’d love to tell you that I came ‘so naturally’ and ‘easily’ (as all the ‘ideal’ Christians would say), the truth is that it didn’t come naturally or easily.. in fact it was hard and it required a heck of a lot of blind faith which is something I was drastically lacking. It required prayer.. that was something I was shockingly out of my depth in and frankly I’m still struggling to pray but there’s a verse T passed on to me.. Isaiah 65:24; “Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear”… God knew my heart and He knows it still, that’s all that matters. Giving my heart back to Him also required humility and vulnerability.. it meant opening my very closed heart and entering into Gods throne room, full well shamefully knowing, that I didn’t deserve to be in His presence. But you know what? I had to realise that it didn’t matter if I felt undeserving, I mean yeah I was undeserving but that has never stopped God from loving me unconditionally regardless of my worth and it never stopped Jesus from giving His life for me. Giving my heart back to God wasn’t easy but it’s proved to be ever so worth it, over and over again it’s proven worth it.

In my drafts folder there’s a post titled ‘solar systems’. To be frank, there’s many posts sitting there.. unfinished and awaiting the time and attention required for their finalisation. And then there’s me, lacking the drive or motivation to battle my thoughts into words. I’ll be honest, as excited as I am about all I have to share in this post.. I am also exhausted at the mere thought of it. It’s taken me a week to draft, compile, categorise and make sense of how to navigate this post – it’s content subjects are huge, the days leading to this post have been huge and full disclosure, these last few months have been monumentally huge. Yet I feel that this post is something I will appreciate looking back on in future years, as a survivor, a writer, a daughter of man and King, a sister, a friend and a ‘fiercely independent young woman’, as T phrased it last week. I will live to be these things because my life and it’s quality has been robbed from me for long enough, it’s time to start fully recovering and for the first time I see a small bit of hope – or a ship rather, as R worded it on Sunday! There is hope for my future, Jeremiah 29:11.

A large part of what I’d like to discuss today is the dreaded, and I truely mean dreaded, concepts of boundaries, relationships and boundaries within relationships. All topics of which are equally as important as they are painful. T would understand this notion.

‘Relationships are precious and I need to protect this relationship, there needs to be mutual respect and boundaries’.

– T (2020)

Let’s unpack that for a moment, unpacking T’s statement is something I’ve had to do regularly over the last few months. ‘Relationships are precious‘; mine with her, mine with mom, mine with friends, mine with family – all relationships are precious. ‘I need to protect this relationship‘; relationships that are precious, are worth fighting for and they deserve to be protected at all costs – protection ensures the relationship stands a better chance of being successful and long lasting. ‘There needs to be mutual respect‘; respect for each other, respect for limitations, capacities.. and yes, respect for boundaries. *a very huge sigh on my part and I’m confident there would be potential eye rolling or laughter from T, for she knows how greatly I love this next one..* ‘Boundaries‘; what I’m lead to believe is most likely one of the most vital aspects of a relationship, any relationship.

Relationships, whilst they are precious, they can also be hard. I’ve struggled with relationships for as long as I can remember and if you were to ask someone for their professional opinion, they’d tell you at a lot of my struggles stem from PTSD which is a leading cause of my EUPD. I have been so deeply hurt within relationships that I now sit waiting for the worst in each of my relationships, I’m pessimistically always expecting and preparing myself that ‘today is the day they walk away’, or ‘today they’ll realise I’m not worthy of their love or relationship’. Not the most positive light in which to live but dare I say the safest? I chuckle here because I’m reminded of a conversation that T and I recently had where she was trying to convince me that I couldn’t go through life without trusting other people and building relationships, to everything she reasoned with me over, I simply responded by telling her that it was safer to be alone without forming relationships.

I suppose you could say that relationships are a bit like onions, they have various layers of vulnerability and the level of vulnerability is dependant upon the type of relationship. Some relationships, like those with most colleagues or friends, may only remove the first layer. Where as other relationships, such as ones with your nearest and dearest may peel back all the layers down to the core. Our relationship with God on the other hand may fluctuate between vulnerability and layers because, as I’m sure we’ve all done before within relationships, sometimes we build little walls or obstacles that help our layers grow back or prevent our layers/bricks from diminishing.

Taking it back now to my drafted post titled ‘solar systems’. The concept of this post came about on the 12th of November, 2020. I’d been to see T that day and the dreaded, and I truely mean dreaded, topics of boundaries and relationships came to the table. On a piece of paper T drew a large circle, that circle she said was the sun and that was me. Around the sun she drew stars which varied in size and each star represented a relationship in my life, sized depending upon value or significance. The very first star she drew was large and a line connected it to the sun, this relationship she deemed as the most important and that was my relationship with God. She went on to draw stars to represent my relationship with herself, family, dear friends and even members of my treating team. T explained to me that I have a solar system full of relationships and that none of those relationships will look the same, but that the concept of requiring healthy boundaries pertained to each of them.

{Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave you, nor forsake you” ~ God is always there}

This conversation was similarly revisited last week when T and so sat down for the first time since changes were unwillingly made to our relationship. It’s certainly no secret, that the circumstances that have unfolded between T and myself over these last few weeks, has hurt more than I ever could have imagined. Yet despite the deep pain, I’ve grown and learned so much more than I would have if things between us had remained comfortably the same – as T herself said, I needed to experience that uncomfortable heartache in order to know she isn’t going anywhere. I left T last week slightly more hopeful and with my mind set on improving the relationship I had with her.. I thought I had everything worked out and in my defence I did. At least I did until I saw a bush in the carpark outside her practice…

Allow me to explain, so back in November when we delved deeper into discussing relationships and the boundaries within them, T drew me that picture. On my way home I stopped to place the picture in a bush and I took a photo of it. I didn’t give it another thought until last week and when I saw that bush, it was as if for the first time in forever, God had opened my eyes. Everything was suddenly so vividly clear… it wasn’t so much my relationship with T that I needed to first and foremost work on, it was my relationship with God!

I’m conscious of the fact that that realisation may come across and somewhat dismissive towards my other relationships, but all I can do is assure you that that’s not the case here. I acknowledge that it is still vitally important that I actively work hard on improving and strengthening my relationships with people like T, or my mom, or R etc. But first and foremost, it is my relationship with God that takes priority because without that relationship, no others hold genuinity.

I wholeheartedly believe that if I am able to grow closer to God, stand firm in my faith, improve and actively invest in my relationship with God; that all good will flow from that and result in an overall improvement within my life. I believe that my other relationships will strengthen and grow. I believe that I will begin to find my worth in God and as a result I will begin to realise that this life is not what He had planned for me. I believe that I will further heal from my past and from my illnesses. I believe that God will take up soo much room that Gollum will slowly diminish. I believe that as my relationship with God is restored, that my heart and mind will be made new in Him.

Sitting and crying in the carpark outside of T’s practice, seeing that bush, was the first moment where God took one of my bricks away. And you know what? As uncomfortable and as terrifying as that was.. I was still okay and I felt a peace that I was safe.

My heart has many bricks around it and as I said a little earlier, sometimes we build walls around our hearts so that when we enter into relationships, we are safe from any potential heartache and vulnerability. For years and years I have added brick, upon brick, upon brick. And don’t get me wrong, there have been moments (very few but nonetheless) , where God has ever so gently removed a brick or two. But never have I allowed for Him to take too many because they were my bricks and I needed them to be safe, I made them and they were mine.

I’m aware of the fact that by now I’m sounding like a bit of a two year old who doesn’t want to share their lego, but I suppose to an extent I am Gods child and I quite frankly don’t want to share my bricks. I mean who does? Sharing my bricks means vulnerably exposing myself bit by bit, allowing myself to be raw and authentic. Uncomfortable, right?

It wasn’t until last Sunday that I consciously allowed for God to take all my bricks, stripping me back; raw, vulnerable, exposed and in need of Him. I remember that morning in church so clearly, all the affirmations of God’s love, all the healing and peace. There was such a peace, one like none I’ve ever felt before. I mean imagine being so raw, so vulnerably exposed but not being fearful? If you know me, then you KNOW how fearful I would be. I’ve honestly spent my whole life running from vulnerability, it gives me the heebie-jeebies. Yet standing there in church, eyes closed; it was simply myself and God – no one but us and His wraparound peace. I remember feeling super uncomfortable as God took my bricks, there were times where I didn’t like it and wanted to snatch them back, but I kept talking to God through the process and I let them go. For the first time, I let them all go. I wasn’t afraid.

Fear has always kept me bound in chains. It’s the fear of being hurt, the fear of being alone, the fear of loss, the fear of exposure, the fear of abandonment. It’s fear that prevents me from bravely forming and investing in relationships. It’s fear that prevents me from fully giving my life into Gods hands, surrendering full control.

{letting bricks go, the way petals fall ~ though probably not as gracefully at times.. “to behold the beauty of the Lord” ; psalm 27:4}

Brace yourself for these next few paragraphs because honestly, it takes my breath away each time I recall God taking my bricks.. One by one, until none were left..

My first bricks were taken in the carpark by T’s practice that Thursday when I saw that bush, there God challenged my thinking and revealed to me that His relationship comes first. Then came the unraveling on Sunday, brick after brick. During the prayer meeting before church, someone shared a word stemming from Psalm 37:5 that they believed God needed someone in the house to hear.. “In an act of complete surrender, give total control of your life over to God and watch how things fall into place for the glory of His name”. Wow, okay God.. I hear you! They went on to share that “Trusting God means letting go of fear, it means fully and wholly leaning on Him, laying helplessly at the feet of the cross, it means knowing that He is there, that He is a good good Father, that He has given everything for us and that we are held in His hands”. Ah I hear you Lord! Would you believe me if I told you that on Thursday T made a statement that similarly reminded me that God is the one I should lean on and rely on, His relationship is constant and never changes. Then came another word during the service from Psalm 46:10, we were told.. “God wants someone here to know that all they need to do in this moment is to be still and know that He is God”. Okay God.. I am still, I hear you! From my heart I began speaking to God, not really knowing how to pray but rather just saying what my heart was feeling; asking first and foremost for God to just hold me. In that moment the songs lyrics sang.. “The atmosphere is changing now, for the spirit of the Lord is here, the evidence is all around, that the spirit of the Lord is here, overflow in this place, fill our hearts with your love, your love surrounds us, you’re the reason we came, to encounter your love”. OKAY GOD, I HEAR YOU!

I just want to pause there and unpack those lyrics.. I mean first of all; virtually as I am speaking to God and asking Him to hold me, to help me open myself up to receiving and feeling the full depth of His love, it was declared that the atmosphere had changed as the Holy Spirit surrounded us. This was the defining moment where I truely felt God wraparound peace. It was declared that God’s love was filling our hearts and surrounding us, this was and still is something I have been praying for because how am I to love others if God’s love isn’t within me? As little A so gently once told me that Jesus had given her His love, so she wanted to give others that same love – this principle is still valid and always will be. ‘You’re the reason we came’… As these words were sung, yet another brick was taken as God challenged my intentions for going to church. He so uncomfortably questioned why I was there week after week, who was I going for? I felt a wave of guilt because I knew I couldn’t honestly answer ‘God’. The truth is that as soon as I entered the church carpark, I’d already begun looking for signs that T was there and in the wait for church to begin I held hope that she would come because each week she was there, I knew I was safe. Last Sunday she wasn’t there, but you know what? God challenged my intentions and opened my eyes to the fact that I was still safe, even without T. God showed me again that my relationship with Him should come first, He should be the one I lean on, He should be my safety. I now look forward to church because I know I am safe regardless of who attends, I look forward to sitting with T and simply being with her rather than relying on her, I look forward to encountering Gods love and deepening my relationship with Him.

Okay, back to more bricks being taken away.. golly God really went at it during church and in the week since – He has since proceeded to dig around in old suitcases within my hearts dark corners to find and take more bricks! During the sermon it was said that, ‘When two people marry they each leave aspects of their old lives as individuals behind, as they grow together and learn to navigate a new way of living’. This was likened to our relationship with God, TR during communion reminded us that we as a church are God’s bride. As we enter into relationship with God, we leave behind aspects of our individual lives; whether that be how we used to make our own decisions, our sense of control, our mindset that we need to accomplish things on our own, that we need to be strong within ourselves etc. Upon entering that relationship and becoming one with God, we surrender and allow Him complete control over each area of our lives, we allow our walls to fall.. or in my case I allow my bricks to be taken. We begin navigating a new way of living where decisions are prayerfully made with Gods guidance, where God is in control, where we know we don’t need to face things alone and where we are able to rely fully on God.

I left church for the first time last Sunday with a hope, a hope that maybe there is more to life than this and maybe T was right all along.. maybe God had never left me and His heart did ache for me. I felt hope. I feel hope.

But it doesn’t end there! My heart and life was renewed last Sunday but the days that followed were some of the hardest. The attacks from the enemy were brutal and my newfound faith was genuinely put to the test. I failed at times, where I forgot to pray and turn to God first but that didn’t mean God gave up on me and it sure as heck didn’t mean I was a failure. In those times God would just gently remind me of His presence, that He was there and that I could lean on and turn to Him first and foremost. On Thursday I hit the epitome of the attacks from the enemy. Following on from a traumatic morning I found myself walking along the side of the highway and with every passing road train, all I heard were voices screaming for me to step just an inch to my right because then it would all be over. I stepped, I really did. And as I stepped, above every raging voice and emotion inside of me; it was God’s love that pierced through. In that very moment when I stepped, I knew without a doubt that I was held in God’s hands; I was worth more than I could fathom and that this was not his plan for me. My body instantaneously jerked back off the road, my hands were trembling, my heart was racing and I wasn’t sure I could breathe. You’d think that then and there I turned immediately to God in prayer? Wrong, I can humbly admit that I am only human and that after more than a year of God not being my first point of contact, it will take some time to change old habits. So I found myself scrambling for my phone, in a messy state like none before. I began reaching out to people who were safe.. first R and then T but as I was dialling T, God once again opened my eyes. As unlikely and unbelievable as it was, on the second dial tone of T’s number, TC drove past me and pulled over. I ended my call to T before she could answer and realised how deeply God loved me because the very chance of TC driving past me was less than one in a billion. For the last 12years TC has been the closest thing to a second mom for me and for longer than that she has been one of T’s close friends. She prayed for me and I realised that the one I needed most was God. We parted ways and for the hour or so to follow, I found myself praying and speaking to God nonstop whilst I navigated my way safely back into town and home again. The events that led to me recklessly dissociating on the side of the highway are events I am not willing to relive, they were more traumatic and heart breaking than I’d care to acknowledge. I don’t have words and I know it’s unhealthy to suppress it but I can’t face it just yet. I can say though, that above all else God is still good. Additionally, I am learning that I will never be able to control what happens to me, I will never be able to control what others choose to say or do to me and as much as it can hurt me, tear me apart and break me down; it will never take away God’s unconditional love for me.

{isaiah 41:10-13 ~ do not fear. If you know me, you know that the blue butterfly has a deep symbolism in relation to the journey I’m amidst ~ in God I find my wings, my freedom and I will overcome these battles}

Saturday, seven days later, was another particularly difficult day but also a day that gives me goosebumps as I think about it. I had only gotten to sleep 4am that morning and was overly tired when my alarm went off at 5am to go for a run. Any other day I would have forced myself to stand up but that day I woke with the taste of blood in my mouth and a body aching so terribly that I remained in bed. My emotions were particularly deep and the voices in my head were particularly loud throughout the day but that didn’t stop God from loving me and reminding me of His love. The first reminder came when I checked my emails to find an email from church; they had announced the due beginning of a new series called ‘Not Afraid’.. perfectly fitting right? I mean considering I’m in a vulnerable state of surrender and so strongly under attack! But get this, the opening verse was Isaiah 41:10; “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. Yes God, again I HEAR YOU!!! Would you believe me if I told you that that exact verse preludes Isaiah 41:13, the verse so deeply valued and meaningful that it is written permanently on my right hand? Would you believe me if I told you that that exact verse was painted for me by TC for my birthday and now hangs on the wall in my room? If that isn’t enough.. then would you believe me if I told you that when a dear friend prayed for me that night, she asked God to give her a verse to send to me and the verse she sent was Isaiah 41:10-13… Eeeekk, just let that sink in for a moment! Oh God, I HEAR YOU!

God has been faithful to me, all my life He has been faithful; as a child and a young adult, during trauma or heartbreak, during joy and blessings, when I walked away from Him and doubted so deeply.. and especially over these last few days. For the first time, God’s love for me has been so clear and tangible.

The tangibility of God’s love is something that I have wrestled with. I am such a visual and textile person; seeing and feeling. Throughout discussions with my therapist and counsellor, I’ve come to understand that seeing/experiencing things is what makes them tangible. I’ve also come to realise that I am someone who alongside tangibility, speaks a love language that encompasses physical touch; a held hand or the deep pressure of a hug. The Friday post my last Thursday with T and preceding my transformative Sunday, I approached my counsellor, E, with the request to work on understanding and navigating relationships in hope of improving and developing healthier ones in my life. The following week she came back to me with her thoughts and knowledge she’d acquired over many years of study and research. We discussed the concept of attachment in relationships. I’ll attempt to explain it the way she did, baring in mind that her brain is nourished and has been exposed to this for a long time; mine, neither. E explained to me that as an infant we develop core senses of attachment based on circumstances we are exposed to, these are then enhanced by traumas or significant events that take place as we grow. There are 4 types of attachment in relationships; secure, avoidant, anxious, disorganised. We discovered that I inhibit the latter; disorganised. Disorganised attachment doesn’t refer to having a messy life or not having all your ducks in a row – my OCD ensures that I am quite the opposite in that regard. Having a disorganised attachment tendency simply means that dependant upon the relationship in question, you can fluctuate between secure, avoidant and anxious. My case may vary when the EUPD is taken into consideration as well. I won’t give you a full seminar but I do want to put into perspective how each attachment type influences my relationships – baring in mind that relationships can vary from with myself, with loved ones, with strangers, with myself, with food and even with God. In my case secure attachment in relationships is where my EUPD has no say, here I am not fearful of losing that relationship and there is a sound sense of security – I don’t have this yet but I am quickly developing a stronger sense of security in my relationship with T and I hope to gain this same security across more relationships. An avoidant sense of attachment is one of the more likely attachments you’ll find in my life, here I avoid forming and investing in relationships; especially those that show potential for becoming deep and meaningful – it goes without saying that these tendencies stem directly from trauma, patterns of abandonment throughout my life and deep rooted fears. The anxious sense of attachment is strongly linked to the EUPD, here I am forever looking for signs that the relationship in question is about to end, I am overly insecure and always wondering if today is the day that the person I love dearly will leave; it may also look like me sabotaging the relationship so that the person has reason to walk away before I get hurt – this stems primarily from the belief that I am not good enough or worthy of relationships.

I don’t have answers but I am working to gain insight into how to go forward in terms of navigating my relationships, as well as ensuring they are healthy. My relationships right now are not all healthy, especially the relationships I have with myself, with mom, with Gollum and yes, with T (that one was a hard one to come to terms with acknowledging). My relationship with God aside, the one thing all the others have in common is the concept of tangibility. Lets look at my relationship with T as an example; I’m choosing this one because it’s been the strongest relationship and because despite me having given T every reason and opportunity to walk away, she has made it clear that she isn’t going anywhere and she has loved me despite it all – my relationship with her may very well be one of the first relationships to healthily become secure. Anyway, I stated before that when it comes to tangibility in relationships, seeing and feeling are two huge aspects. Drawing comparisons between my relationship with God and my relationship with T paint a clear example of the differences in tangibility. I’d like to pause here and note that I am in no way comparing T to God, her and I have actually had this conversation recently and what I say next simply reiterates a few of the points made. In my relationship with T, I am able to see her, I am able to see what she has done for me and I am able to see how deeply she cares – where I have struggled to see, others have seen for me. In my relationship with T, I have been able to feel her love, I have been able to feel her hand all the times she’s held mine, I’ve been able to feel that deep pressure when she’s held me and I’ve been able to feel the sense of safety when being with her. E made a statement that revealed that every tangible aspect of my relationship with T, both seeing and feeling, are aspects that I so deeply needed or longed for as an infant, child and young adult – especially as those senses of attachments were made and cemented during traumas. Though this doesn’t justify why for example I’ve often gone to T before going to God, I think it to some degree provides insight into why I have struggled so much with relationships; in particularly my relationship with God.

Hebrews 11:1 reads, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen”. My relationship with God ultimately is going to require a heck of a lot of faith. All my life I have hoped for the sense of security that I have in my relationship with T, to gain that in my relationship with God I will need faith. Where I am unable to see or feel in my relationship with God, I will need yet more faith. I told R the other day that it’s almost as if God gave me that sense of security with T, that secure attachment in our relationship, so that I am able to fearlessly step back a bit from her and focus fully on my relationship with Him. I think for a long time that because of how tangible and deeply valued my relationship with T was, I have always been fearful that if distance were to come between us then I’d lose her indefinitely. However circling back to boundaries, as my GP in this season I am coming to terms with the fact that there will be distance as our relationship right now looks vastly different to the relationship we will have as friends in the future. As we discussed this last week, she told me once again that she isn’t going anywhere, that she’d be that safe relationship where we would be able to work through things together without any hindering fears and where I could always come back knowing she isn’t going anywhere – she has said this many times before but it was only that Thursday where I really wholly and fully believed her for the first time; that sense of belief and security surpassed all feelings of doubt and unworthiness, it came from God.

I am unable to tie this post off with a neat bow because frankly this chapter is unfinished, it’s merely beginning but I couldn’t wait until the end to share it. I tossed the idea of waiting until tomorrow evening so I could have more time to reflect on church – tomorrow we begin a new series which I believe is perfectly in Gods timing. However, if I were to wait and wait, then I’d be waiting forever. My heart is so filled with unfamiliar feelings of joy and hope. I feel like a child who has just received the greatest gift and in a sense I am that child.

I’d like to disclose the fact that despite all this exciting, hopeful and life altering news.. I am still only a human who is living with the reality of a deep depression and a raging (emphasis on raging) eating disorder. Though I believe wholeheartedly that as my relationship with God deepens I will find my worth and things like recovery will become easier, I am also very conscious that this won’t happen over night. There will still be hard days and there may still be relapses – heck, it’s not a case of snapping our fingers and it’s over because if it was then there wouldn’t be such a dire need for God. In all honesty, if the last week has taught me anything, it’s that the path that lies ahead will be a battle but the difference now, is that I know I am not entering the battlefield alone.

{I smile for my joy comes from the Lord ~ Psalm 16:11, “You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forever more”}

I am God’s daughter. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved. I have entered into a new relationship with God. My eyes have been open and my bricks have been taken. I am raw. I am vulnerable. I am exposed. I am safe. I am held. I am in surrender. God is in control – watch as my life begins to reflect His glory.

C, xo .

*A hugely deep appreciation for the love and support that each of you have blessed me with*

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