hiding and searching .

I sometimes feel the need to hide. Not that I could ever ‘hide’ from God, I know that. Yet I still feel the need to hide from those around me. What could I possibly feel the need to hide?

Perhaps the fact that I don’t ‘have it all together’? That on the inside I’m waging war?

I have this hole inside. It’s impossible to describe but it’s a nagging force that’s driven within me. Is it the evil fighting to take control? Is it self hatred fighting to rule? Is it enemy trying to convince me that Jesus isn’t enough? What is it?

I feel miserable. Sometimes I feel as if I’m constantly searching for something and I don’t know what it is. Is it approval amongst people? Comfort? Someone to talk to? Someone to make sense of everything for me? And then there’s the desire to feel wanted. To feel beautiful. To feel valued. These are all desires of the flesh. Not eternal desires. Why do I have them?

Is any of this normal? Am I broken? Well, I mean I feel broken at times. When I’m left alone with my thoughts, much like I am now. I feel shattered and defeated.

It’s difficult because I know God is the answer. I know that in Him all my desires and needs can be met. I know that in Him I am beautiful, I am needed. I know that in Him I am whole. I know with Him I am never alone. I know that Jesus died for me. I KNOW THAT GOD IS ENOUGH.

Yet why can I not allow Him to fill this void within me? No matter how hard to try to surrender, I can’t. It’s the most frustrating feeling because I’m distressed. I want God to take away all these nagging feelings and thoughts. Why can’t I allow Him to?

I sometimes reach a point where I am faced with the choice of giving up or giving in? Aren’t they the same thing? Give up the fight and give in to the pressure? Oh how there’s so much pressure. In these moments I find my mind screaming with hateful thoughts. It’s so loud and antagonising. The only way to stop seems to be by ending everything. I don’t mean metaphorically either. I’ve been here before. It’s all too familiar.

Of course I could never speak about these things. Without the words to say, how could I expect anyone to understand. They’re first instinct is always to label me.. depressed, anxious, suicidal, psychotic. Who knows what else I’ve been labelled in the past. Those labels never leave. They just fade, waiting for someone to reveal them again. I know that if I tried to tell someone close to me then they’d pass on their concerns to my mum. I’d end up back in therapy for sure. I don’t need that. I’m fine.

Besides, I can see that God is ready to take control and make everything okay. It’s just up to me. I need to find a way to let go and let God. It’s just hard.

– c x

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