Total transparency. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if each person lived with total transparency? I’m not sure thats something I’d want to see.

This week has seen me step toward and away from partial transparency. Forgive me in advance if this post makes little sense, my frame of mind is unclear and I am at a loss for words.

Monday saw me at the beach, desperate to feel by any means possible.

Tuesday night witnessed me regress, stepping backwards. Laying on the cold bathroom floor, blinded by tears as I found an old pair of scissors in the cupboard before me. Behind locked doors I encompassed the same habits as my fifteen year old self. I found those same scissors again tonight.

Wednesday I saw the pain that rippled through the hearts of people close to me as a young life was remembered, cut short by suicide. I’d spent time talking to him around a bonfire only weeks before he took his own life. Seeing the pain its caused has made me realise the magnitude of consequence. If I were to take my life, as I have desperately tried and considered, what would I leave behind and how would it impact those around me?

Thursday saw me over at J’s home, steps toward partial transparency. Hours on her couch passing by, just being and spending time. I found myself amidst a moment of vulnerability, I appreciate her willingness to listen and pray over me. It ceases to amaze me the way in which God places people in our lives with purposeful intention.

Friday left me wrecked, tired from the two hours of broken sleep I had the night before, emotional from the week behind me and sick from the night I’d just endured. By 10.34pm I was in the back of a car, blurred lights flashing by as the music blared and echoed in my head. By 12.04am the haziness began to wear off. As I laid on the wet grass, surrounded by empty bottles, cigarette buds and warmth from the fire beside me, I aimlessly gazed upon the heavens. As I counted the numerous stars, I wondered what it would be like to exist up there. My eyelids were heavy, as was my heart. Lately I’ve felt like a child on a seesaw, emotions fluctuating between up and down.

Saturday, today, began with a headache and ended in tears. I tried to open up to my mum today, everyone’s been telling me to. It didn’t go as expected. There’s so much pain behind her eyes, I couldn’t go through with it. The one thing she found out today was enough, not nearly all she should know but enough to make her cry. She stood outside and spoke to dad for a while. He held her. My heart sank as I watched on from inside. She doesn’t know anything in the scheme of things, this makes me feel so much worse. My dad came to me tonight and told me he is disappointed and doesn’t know how to handle this situation, he said he’s too hurt to talk to me now but he will when he is ready. That broke my heart. If only they really knew what was going on..

There really is no easy way to tell them that sometimes when I drive, I imagine what it would be like to veer into oncoming traffic? How do I tell them that I progressively hold my breath underwater in the bath for longer periods of time? How do I explain that I no longer practice self care? How do I tell them that I only eat to throw it back up moments later? How do I explain breaking apart a frame to get to the glass? How do I explain that when I hurt myself, I don’t even cry.. I just sit there numb? How do I explain hurting myself in the first place? How do I tell them that I sometimes hate myself so deeply that I don’t even want to exist? Most of all, how do I explain that despite knowing that the things I’m doing is wrong and goes against what I believe, I do them anyway?? Tell me, how? How do I achieve transparency with them?

In His word God tells me that I’m made in His own image, in His own likeness (Genesis 1.27) – so why do I hate myself so deeply? As a Christian I know that self harm and suicide isn’t the answer, yet both play on my mind. I wrestle my fleshly desires, the desire for a physical pain which outweighs the emotional pain. I wrestle with the knowledge of what my faith tells me is right and wrong.

I really thought today I would take a few steps toward partial transparency with my parents, I took one step and that was enough, I’ve now regressed by a few more.

As a Christian I’m conflicted and it frustrates me. I find myself pondering the unthinkable; is Christianity worth it? Did God really mean to create me? If only I wasn’t a Christian there’d be nothing holding me back? Maybe if I push God out of my mind for a moment I won’t feel as guilty? What if I just let go?

It’s almost as if I’ve lost hold of my faith? If God was still at the centre of my life, at the forefront of my mind, I’m sure everything would be different. I need to find my way back to Him.

I think its time, time to confront this – I might contact my counsellor again, it may help to just speak things through and try place Christ at the centre of things again. I think I’ll go to church tomorrow, maybe it will help. As for now, tonight I pray He will meet me here.

– c x