It’s 9:51pm, my feet hang above the water as I sit at the end of the jetty, the darkness of night lingers around me as the lights across the bay mimic the movement of the water below. Total serenity.
I picture a child taking hold of a stick and drawing a line in the sand, saying, “this is my side”. How often in life do we segregate things between what we keep to ourselves and what we share with those around us?
In my own life I’m able to see the line I’ve drawn in the sand. There’s parts of me that I’ve shared with those around me, yet so much I’ve kept on “my side” of the line. Sometimes keeping things to myself is intentional but it’s also become a habit. A habit born from repetitive hurt and a decision to withdraw from those around me, an avoidance from vulnerability. Leading me to my next point..
Liberation. There’s liberation in the concept of release. A bird let free from its cage, likened to a burden being lifted through prayer. This liberation comes from the decision to vulnerable with another.
In the decision to keep to myself in many areas, I’ve found myself turning more dependently to prayer. I’m not saying that this works for everyone, some people find liberation in sharing with a friend over a cup of tea – sometimes I do too.
However, in this season of my life, prayer has factored in greatly. My innermost burdens have often been lightened though prayer to my Heavenly Father and the most unexplainable things are made clear in Him.
I’m grateful for the relationship I have with God, I’m grateful that I can truely see Him at work and that He is always there when I need someone to turn to.
I know, prayer doesn’t excuse the reality that I have a line in the sand. This line, better known as a boundary, is good to have – we all need one, provided it doesn’t prevent us from establishing and building relationship. God has designed us for relationships, beginning with our relationship with Him.
As discussed in a previous post, a relationship needs a level of vulnerability to share. I struggle with this, it’s no secret that my insecurities have been shaped by my past. I’m no longer haunted or held back by my past, I’ve forgiven and moved on. Yet the outcome has remained, this being that I’ve become more aware of how easy it is to be hurt when you’re vulnerable. As a result of my fear for this, I’ve drawn a line in the sand. I’d made that decision to keep the majority of myself hidden. Does this make me a, for lack of a better term, a bad person?
I like to think that I’ve got my close relationships down packed, truth is, lately I’ve struggled to share with even my family. Surely these are the people I should find it easiest to share with? Or my closest girl friend?
I realise my resistance toward vulnerability is based upon hurt and shame. I mean, “what would they think of me, if only they really knew…”
It’s almost as if I reach a point in every relationship where I pause, right before genuine vulnerability becomes necessary to deepen the relationship.
I can’t move past my line in the sand.
My prayer for this is that God will help me discern between my relationships, that He will show me which ones to pursue and then that He would give me the courage to be vulnerable in my pursuit.
– c x