Where He meets me. The title of my blog, ironic considering it’s the very phrase that inhabits the corners of my mind as it formulates the question; where is it that God meets me?
Today T and I established that the journey I am amidst, my journey with my ED and the traumas, all began between nine to ten years ago. The journey has been long and it’s only going to be longer. Today T told me that we are no where near the end and that she does not yet see the light. Hearing her words spurred within me a wondering of when God was planning on showing up. The logical ‘head’ side of me knows that God has not left, after all, T told me that any distance between God and I is distance I placed because she believes God has not left me. However, the emotional ‘heart’ side of me feels that God abandoned me years ago.
I look upon my life and reflect. Pondering the question T posed; ‘Who was I before the traumas?’. To answer this I turned to my early photo albums, all prior to eight years of age.
I was happy. I had hope and joy. I experienced love and laughter. Perhaps all due to being a naive child but nonetheless. T told me that after the trauma’s I changed. She said I became traumatised, insecure and unhappy, she said that I stopped liking myself and lost sight of my worth. She believes the trauma’s are at the root of everything. Much to my dismay, she is right. As I sit here crying, it’s all true. I do indeed hate myself, I don’t see my worth, I feel insecure and I often project those insecurities onto others which leads me to doubt my relationships. I am so deeply unhappy and everything has changed.
Since the eighth year of my life nothing has been the same. In that year my family moved countries and I lost everything. I lost my friends, my safety nets, my joy, my involvement in social activities like cheer and gymnastics, my love for life and at most, my innocence. Moving to a new country was hard but what took place in the years to come was nothing in comparison and as the years unravelled, the questioning of God’s care and standing became more apparent.
My ED behaviours took root when I began to self isolate. I was bullied in my new school and lost my self esteem, I therefore locked myself up at home and as much as it disgusts me, I turned to food as a source of escape and comfort. Thus began the binge eating disorder. Where was God and why didn’t He meet me here?
The trauma’s began that same year as my family became closer to my moms sister and her family. Within my aunts family is her, her husband and her son whom is 15 years older than I. My innocence, worth and happiness slowly diminished as those two men had their way over the years. Where was God and why didn’t He meet me here?
My ED developed into a full disorder ten years down the line and it’s been a rough fifteen months since and only now has it been brought to light. My ED developed into anorexia as my behaviours reversed, instead of food being my comfort, it became my enemy. I hated my body and as a result punished myself in the cruelest of ways. Where was God and why didn’t He meet me here?
The self hate and punishment stemmed from the increased traumas. The intensity between my father and I increased, the past with my cousin and uncle resurfaced, I was raped over and over by strangers I didn’t know and the build up of everything led me to believe that I was bad. Because I was bad, I believed that I deserved the pain from others and I deserved the self inflicted pain. Where was God and why didn’t He meet me here?
The self inflicted pain lead to increased self harm and suicide planning and attempts. Once again, where was God and why didn’t He meet me here?
I won’t sit here and put forth all these things without acknowledging that not every hour of every day and every year has been awful. There have been genuine moments of joy over the last eleven years. I have experienced encounters with God and I have had strengthening in my faith. However I too have lost my faith as the journey has deepened.
T told me that I am saved and that nothing will change that, that nothing will be able to separate me from God’s love for me. I so struggle with this concept. I feel as if the guilt and shame from the traumas have hindered me from God’s love. I feel as if the guilt and shame from my ED, self harm and depression has too, distanced me from God’s love. I have watered the seed of unworthiness within me and its taken root and flourished, the feelings of unworthiness have become overpowering. I feel so unworthy of God’s love and grace. I feel unworthy of His forgiveness. I feel unworthy of entering His presence and as a result of this deep unworthiness, I have distanced myself from my Heavenly Father. The concept of God being a loving Heavenly Father is foreign to me due to the lack of tangibility surrounding a loving father.
I’ll end on this note; my head knows that without a shadow of doubt, God has been and always will be there, but my heart won’t accept that truth. Until the day comes when my head and heart both align, I will continue the back and forth battle of questioning where God meets me in this season. Or rather, where I surrender to meet Him.
– c x