..1..2..3 .

I’d like to be able to jump on here and share something uplifting, something to shine a bit of light between the darkness of my recent posts and I’d like to say that things are getting better. But the truth is, I can’t and they’re not.

I wanted to kill myself today and my desperation to do so, scared me. Looking in the bathroom mirror at work, I didn’t recognise myself. Who was the face staring back at me? My body was shaking as I gasped for air and with my arms raised above my head, I tried to breathe..1..2..3. Tears streaming down my face, I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted out. I reached into the pocket of my coat and grabbed the pair of scissors I had used at home just this morning. There was only one pain I could control, so I sat there and pressed down as hard as I could..1..2..3..4..5..lost count.. After all, I deserved it.. didn’t I? 10min later I had to compose myself and go back to class, I had kids to teach and a job to do. Pretending to be alright was one of the hardest things about today.

Right now, I’m sitting on ‘my’ bench, overlooking the raging sea before me. On this stormy day, what’s to stop me from diving under the waves and not coming back up? I’m such a shattered mess, my heart is heavy and hope feels lost. How am I meant to go home after today? How am I meant to look my family in the eyes? I’m so ashamed. J told me that I shouldn’t worry about everyone else because I’m genuinely going through a rough time and that’s okay. But it’s so much easier said than done, especially when it comes to family and other loved ones. I worry about how I affect them, am I a burden? I worry about how they see me and what they think of me. Do they see my brokenness?

It’s been about 2 days since I’ve eaten anything, perhaps I’ll make it to 3..4..5… The question of how I’d get out of eating dinner tonight, has been burning in the back of my mind all day. I admit was hungry at first, but unlike the depression, the hunger eventually wore off. I’ve thought about eating but each thought left me disgusted in myself and besides, I know that if I eat, I wouldn’t allow myself to keep it down. I’m so worried that mum will force food down my throat tonight, she’s so persistent. I used to want mum to understand. I used to wish that she’d hear me and that she’d be someone I can run to, but now I’ve given up. I don’t care if she doesn’t understand and I don’t care what she says to me or thinks of me. Same goes for anyone else who feels the need to have a negative outlook towards me. There’s nothing they can say that I haven’t already thought. I don’t care about myself anymore either and I don’t care if I live or die. I don’t care if I starve and I don’t care if I bleed. I don’t even care if I never get better. I just don’t care about anything anymore.

Looking back on today’s events, I can acknowledge that God is good. He places people in our lives to carry out His plans and purpose. I’m so grateful. I can acknowledge that all things work according to His will, I shouldn’t have been at work when everything unfolded today. However, I was asked to work a longer shift. As much as it scares me to say.. had I not been at work, I don’t know if I’d be here now. I still don’t want to exist but I know I’ll see another sunrise.

One step at a time.

– c x

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