I went to work early this morning, anything to escape yet another argument with my mother. I just sat there, in my car, in the empty car park at work with my head rested against the window. I was feeling heavy. After the whirlwind of frustration and anger that had only moments ago unfolded at home, silence was all I wanted.
Eyes open, I fixed my gaze upon trees in the distance, my thoughts waged war inside my mind. Tumbling in a downward spiral came my mother’s words yelling: “Your father and I are so disappointed in the person you’re becoming, we didn’t raise you to be like this”, followed by my father’s breaking voice: “I’m so hurt and I don’t even recognise my own daughter anymore, you need to change” and then lastly, the negative self talk: “failure, disappointment, disgust, not good enough, worthless” and on. It had to stop. I clenched my fists and hung my head.
This is NOT who I am!!
Eyes closed, I muttered “Please Jesus“. Then silence. Nothing but bitter sweet silence. I sat in this state, my head hung down and resting in my hands. embracing the silence, I was still. My awareness toward what Psalm 46.10 meant deepened.. “Be still and know that I am God”. In the silence I sat in awe of my creator. Tears streamed down my face and He embraced me. He calmed the storm within me and realigned my focus unto Himself and His majesty. I was reminded that in Jesus I am a new creation, I am beautiful, I am valuable, I am worthy and I am His. Oh how grateful I am to be a daughter of the King, especially at a time where my relationship with my own parents is withering.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I adore my parents, I appreciate them and they’ve done so much for me. However it hurts to feel this way and it hurts that I’m unable to speak to them openly about what’s been going on. Though if they knew the truth then things would be so much worse. I ponder, why? What’s so wrong with me? Maybe everyone would be better off without me? Again, this is not who I am.
The depression has been heavier lately. Obviously everything going on at home has contributed but I mean, aside from that, it’s just genuinely felt heavier. I too have felt overly foggy-headed the last few days, it’s like I’m living in someone else’s body. My own body ridden with the faint-like feeling you get when you stand up too quickly, but this time just longer lasting. I don’t know if it’s because I’m drinking forced medication on an empty stomach, or perhaps that I haven’t eaten properly in days or if maybe it’s just a side effect from this flu that won’t leave me alone. The likelihood of any is questionable. I’m sure this too shall pass. And out of every hurtful thing my parents have told me this week, one phrase from my mother has persistently lingered; “I see a darkness around you and you need to snap out of it”. I wish I knew how to, mum, I wish I could just snap out of it. I’m sorry, if only it were that easy. I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of being told to smile. I wish people would stop comparing me to who I used to be, I’m not her anymore. Though sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore and I hate being this way. I’ve been trying to use the training I received during my first battle with depression, in particularly the ‘thought replacement’ technique. So basically, whenever I have negative thoughts I try replace it with one of God’s truths about me. I’m not going to lie, I haven’t been doing very well. I’m sure with time it’ll be easier. I need to learn to love myself and to see myself the way God sees me, I feel trapped in a cycle of self hatred and self destruction. I need to stop punishing and hurting myself, it seems impossible though, especially when I can’t recognise my value. That’s where He meets me and walks alongside me. Each day is rolling into another and I feel like I’m losing grip, I’ve fallen behind in uni, I’m barely making it through the days at work, at home I’m hardly afloat and I just feel like I’m sinking deeper in every aspect of my life. I recognise that I’ve started to push people away again, my default coping mechanism and I feel terrible about it, I don’t do it purposefully. I just don’t want to become the girl no one wants around because she’s always sad and is bad company.. you know what I mean? I don’t want to burden anyone and I’d rather reduce the number of casualties. Though out of everything, I think my faith’s probably taken the biggest toll. I’ve stopped doing bible study each day and I’ve selfishly been too engrossed in my misery that I forget about the God who gave me the breath of life. I’ve been going down to the beach daily, going for a jog and just being there helps me remember that I’m so small and that Gods plan is greater. It’s all so much bigger than me and what’s going on in my life.
I don’t know, I’m hopelessly trying. Believe me I am. I picture a newborn baby, crying out for someone to reach down and embrace them, to comfort them. That is me and I pray that in this season of depression, in this week of trials and in this moment of helplessness – he will meet me here.
– c x