These last four days have left me feeling my lowest. The grief behind my parents’ eyes, the inability to make eye contact and the endless tension, is more than I can handle. Yet it doesn’t stop there, I can’t bare to go into detail but just know that I’m done before it’s even really begun. They don’t know anything in the scheme of things, if only they truely knew but I don’t think they can take any more than what’s been given.
It’s time to conform. Be the perfect daughter they say they know I can be. Make the decisions they’ve raised me to make. Act the way they want me to act. Do the things they say I should do. Be open and honest with them. Eat my food, don’t skip a meal and heaven help me, don’t dare to stick my finger down my throat in self disgust. Don’t self destruct. Be happy because I have no reason not to be, I have everything I could ever want?
So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll smile, a smile hides it all. I’ll force a laugh, that’ll be believable. I’ll say the things I know they want to hear. I’ll act the way I should, force myself to join in family activities and I’ll even go the extra mile. I’ll always be cleaning and ensuring things are running smoothly, whether I have the energy to or not. I’ll be honest with them, whilst hiding the truth away but they’ll never know. I’ll eat my food but this time instead of running to the toilet, I’ll have a shower because there’s a drain there too. I’ll help them see that I’m better and I’m not sick anymore. I’ll be whoever they want me to be. No one will question it. Maybe life will be good again?
I hurt myself again tonight – so much hatred and guilt. Hatred toward myself, hatred toward what I’ve done, hatred toward the way I make people around me feel, hatred toward my weakness and inability to be more resilient, guilt for the pain I’ve caused, guilt for the things I’m hiding and guilt for my actions. I can’t say it’ll be the last time I hurt myself, after years I’ve relapsed more times in the last week than I’d care to share.
For days I feel like I’ve been walking around in a haze, sitting numb while people tell me how I should be feeling and acting. Zoned out while my parents cry and tell me how disappointed they are, blocking out all the hurtful comments but subconsciously wondering if they’re not too far from the truth. Nodding my way through each day at work. Spinning the same response, “good thanks and you?”. My mum said that there’s a darkness around me, my dad keeps yelling at me to change my attitude because he doesn’t like what he sees. Little do they know, I’m trying. It’s the depression – I can call it that now, after months of avoidance it’s been confirmed.. severe depression to be exact and I despise the thought of it. The things going on inside of me is slowly beginning to seep out, it frightens me and I need to push it further down, it can’t come out now. No one can know the truth.
I’ve decided to withdraw, no more messages or phone calls and less blogs for the time being. Just that perfect daughter my parents lectured me on, yet again this evening.
It’s time to hide away. To suppress. To conform.
– c x